a step in the right direction.

Maybe I've mentioned that I don't really like to be alone. I have a tendency to fill up my life with more than I can reasonably handle, just so I don't have to be by myself all the time. In college I always worked full time, got straight A's, and maintained an active (sometimes too active) social life. Then I got married, had kids, worked, entertained... Then I got a divorce. We separated just after the holidays last year. I moved from our house into a friend's house. It was meant to be a for just a few months, but I ended up living with her for 14 months. I'm way too old for that shit. It's undignified for a woman in her 30's to share living space with a person she's not sleeping with or to whom she did not give birth. I guess there are exceptions. I'm not saying my roommate was undignified. I guess with good deeds as with everything else, it's better to give than to receive.

It's not that I can't ever be alone, but I don't like sleeping alone (that is without someone else in the house -- I'm fine when my kids are here and tucked into their beds). I also don't like going to restaurants or movies alone. I don't enjoy exercising alone either; as far as I'm concerned, if you're by yourself it's work, if you're with someone it's play.

Last night though, I came home alone and slept alone peacefully. Actually, I overslept which I almost never do, and ended up missing a brunch with some gal pals. Bummer. Anyway, this morning I got up, cleaned the house naked (HUGE perk to being alone), had some coffee, blogged, facebooked, and emailed my friend to ask if she was okay with me going out with Jeff #5. (She is.) Then I went on a bike ride all by myself. It seems ridiculous that this is a big deal, but I just hate to ride alone. It seems boring to be without a friend or a destination, and I'm a little nervous. What if I get hit by a car? What if I have a flat (I don't generally ride with a kit)? What if there's a creepy guy or a big dog or I get lost? It's like I'm 9 years old. I'm a little ashamed of my total lack of bravery. The weird thing is that if I'm with anyone, even a little 4 year old or my grandmother, I'm totally confident -- worries don't even enter my mind. I should think about what that means. Anyway, I did it. It wasn't as fun as some other rides I've been on, but it didn't suck. And I got a little work out. So, yay me!

After my ride, I came home, did some more work, my mom dropped by and we had an iced coffee and chatted about her art. Then I went up to have dinner with my ex and kids, played some Boggle and brought them home. So from last night until about 2:00 this afternoon, I succeeded in entertaining myself. I didn't even call any of the boys. I'm a little proud.

tots,

Marcy