Perhaps I should introduce myself. I have a very cool job which I love, I have many boy sort of friends whom I don't actually love, but who will probably figure prominently in future posts, I'm a basically happy person, it's arguable that I drink too much, and I like the color orange. (Nothing rhymes with orange as far as I know, but that's not why I like it.)
So normally I wouldn't start off a conversation with a bitch session about how horrible my ex-boyfriend is, but tonight I have a really bad ex-boyfriend story (or really good ex-boyfriend story, depending on what the meaning of the word "is" is), so I'm going to get it off my chest:
There's this guy. We'll call him Jeff #1 because he has a common first name and I know a lot of guys that share it. Anyway, Jeff #1 and I dated briefly last year. He's an alcoholic real estate agent. At first he was fun, but then he became less so, so we parted ways. We first broke up in August or September of last year. We barely talked for a long time, but then he started being nice so we talked on the phone a couple of times... A totally familiar, totally pathetic beginning to a story. Long story short, I went on vacation to Mexico with him and a few (30 or so) of his family members right after Christmas. Well. That opened a can of worms. We've had a bit of drama since then, obviously all because I was stupid enough to go on vacation with an ex and his family. (In my defense I think it's important to point out that a) he REALLY wanted me to go, B) it represented a new stamp in my passport, and C) he and his folks had offered to pick up my entire tab, booze included.) We had a really wonderful time in Mexico. He was nice the whole time (which is remarkable for him) and his family are wonderful, wonderful people that I would like to keep. But can't. Obviously.
We got back from our trip and he started being drunk and obnoxious all the time again so I had to sort of reinstate the break-up. Not that we'd gotten back together explicitly, but anytime you even TALK to an ex it's almost a tacit reconciliation, as you know. So after the new break-up I "screwed my courage to the sticking place" as Shakespeare put it, and resolved not to ever talk to him again. It's been hard because at first I kind of loved him still. Luckily for me, he's been sending me a constant stream of texts that are so freakin' obnoxious that he's effectively destroyed any kind feelings I had left for him. Idiotic jokes at first, which were bad enough -- random things that only sort of rhymed with Holy Driver such as, "What do you call a priest who writes things down?" This would be the "teaser" text. A few seconds later I'd get the answer: "Holy Scriber". Seriously. He's not that bright. Or maybe he is bright, but he's so drunk off his ass all the time that he sounds like a drunk asshole. I'm gonna go with option B on that one. A and B actually. He really isn't all that bright.
So starting last night, and for reasons I have a hard time imagining because it's been a good 5 weeks since we talked, he started sending me sexually explicit texts. I was irritated last night when (while I was hosting a little get-together at my new place) he texted me about some aspect of our sex life that he really missed. I was totally fucking livid, however, when he sent me a text tonight claiming he "still misses [my] pussy, ass and clit". (I hope you're not totally offended. I was.) Now it's not like we had some really freaky thing going on. We were two adults having a normal (ish) relationship with normal physical interaction. And we haven't seen each other in weeks, so WTF? Rude. I was in just the right mood to text back, which normally I totally eschew, texting being, as I mentioned, a virtual invitation to new drama with an ex, so I did (text back, that is). And by "in just the right mood" I mean, "in a state of having had four or so beers". What I texted was, "Fuck u". Short and sweet, right? What he texted back was, "Cum on! we'll b friends again when u grow up." OMG. But I'm still calm-ish because I AM a grown up. So I very grown-up-ish-ly (not, actually) texted back, "Send me 1 more sexually explicit txt and I'll put a restraining order on u. AND call your mom." (Because he cares a lot about what his family thinks of him, and I happen to adore his mother. It was basically an empty threat. It would be really uncomfortable for me to put a woman that I like and respect into an uncomfortable position.) That seemed to strike a nerve because he's now sent me 10 or so new texts describing me as a bitch and outlining how he'll retaliate and informing me as to how go about obtaining a restraining order. Sounds a little aggressive and abusive. Sheesh. Don't worry about me, kids, but take this as a lesson. Don't date alcoholics, don't allow ex-boyfriends who are still completely in love with you to goad you into interacting with them by trotting out increasingly bad behavior (this is psychology 101, folks), and for chrissake, don't bring their mom into it.
Anyway, thanks for listening,
Marcy
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